Highlights first synced by [[readwise]] [[September 2nd, 2020]]

• What happens to disconnect us from our compassionate nature, leading us to behave violently and exploitatively? And conversely, what allows some people to stay connected to their compassionate nature under even the most trying circumstances? (Location 329)
• I must try as hard as I can to understand everything that anyone ever does. (Location 341)
• NVC: a way of communicating that leads us to give from the heart. (Location 353)
• Instead of habitual, automatic reactions, our words become conscious responses based firmly on awareness of what we are perceiving, feeling, and wanting. (Location 358)
• When we focus on clarifying what is being observed, felt, and needed rather than on diagnosing and judging, we discover the depth of our own compassion. (Location 364)
• I find that my cultural conditioning leads me to focus attention on places where I am unlikely to get what I want. (Location 374)
• First, we observe what is actually happening in a situation: what are we observing others saying or doing that is either enriching or not enriching our life? (Location 399)
• Next, we state how we feel when we observe this action: (Location 401)
• And thirdly, we say what needs of ours are connected to the feelings we have identified. (Location 402)
• Four components of NVC: 1. observations 2. feelings 3. needs 4. requests (Location 404)
• the fourth component—a very specific request: (Location 409)
• NVC Process The concrete actions we observe that affect our well-being How we feel in relation to what we observe The needs, values, desires, etc. that create our feelings The concrete actions we request in order to enrich our lives (Location 418)
• Two parts of NVC: expressing honestly through the four components receiving empathically through the four components (Location 427)
• One kind of life-alienating communication is the use of moralistic judgments that imply wrongness or badness on the part of people who don’t act in harmony with our values. (Location 532)
• When we speak this language, we judge others and their behavior while preoccupying ourselves with who’s good, bad, normal, abnormal, responsible, irresponsible, smart, ignorant, etc. (Location 538)
• Our attention is focused on classifying, analyzing, and determining levels of wrongness rather than on what we and others need and are not getting. (Location 546)
• Analyses of others are actually expressions of our own needs and values. (Location 551)
• We all pay dearly when people respond to our values and needs not out of a desire to give from the heart, but out of fear, guilt, or shame. (Location 555)
• Value judgments reflect our beliefs of how life can best be served. We make moralistic judgments of people and behaviors that fail to support our value judgments; for example, “Violence is bad. People who kill others are evil.” (Location 561)
• instead of “Violence is bad,” we might say instead, “I am fearful of the use of violence to resolve conflicts; I value the resolution of human conflicts through other means.” (Location 565)
• there is considerably less violence in cultures where people think in terms of human needs than in cultures where people label one another as “good” or “bad” and believe that the “bad” ones deserve to be punished. (Location 569)
• Classifying and judging people promotes violence. (Location 574)
• At the root of much, if not all, violence—whether verbal, psychological, or physical, whether among family members, tribes, or nations—is a kind of thinking that attributes the cause of conflict to wrongness in one’s adversaries, and a corresponding inability to think of oneself or others in terms of vulnerability—that is, what one might be feeling, fearing, yearning for, missing, etc. (Location 575)
• Comparisons are a form of judgment. (Location 586)
• Communication is life-alienating when it clouds our awareness that we are each responsible for our own thoughts, feelings, and actions. (Location 596)
• Our language obscures awareness of personal responsibility. (Location 601)
• We deny responsibility for our actions when we attribute their cause to factors outside ourselves: Vague, impersonal forces—“I cleaned my room because I had to.” Our condition, diagnosis, or personal or psychological history—“I drink because I am an alcoholic.” The actions of others—“I hit my child because he ran into the street.” The dictates of authority—“I lied to the client because the boss told me to.” Group pressure—“I started smoking because all my friends did.” Institutional policies, rules, and regulations—“I have to suspend you for this infraction because it’s the school policy.” Gender roles, social roles, or age roles—”I hate going to work, but I do it because I am a husband and a father.” Uncontrollable impulses—“I was overcome by my urge to eat the candy bar.” (Location 606)
• We can replace language that implies lack of choice with language that acknowledges choice. (Location 625)
• We are dangerous when we are not conscious of our responsibility for how we behave, think, and feel. (Location 632)
• Communicating our desires as demands is yet another form of language that blocks compassion. (Location 642)
• I could make all the demands in the world but still couldn’t make my children do anything. (Location 646)
• We can never make people do anything. (Location 651)
• The concept that certain actions merit reward while others merit punishment is also associated with life-alienating communication. (Location 652)
• Thinking based on “who deserves what” blocks compassionate communication. (Location 657)
• Life-alienating communication both stems from and supports hierarchical or domination societies, where large populations are controlled by a small number of individuals to those individuals, own benefit. (Location 664)
• the more people are trained to think in terms of moralistic judgments that imply wrongness and badness, the more they are being trained to look outside themselves—to outside authorities—for the definition of what constitutes right, wrong, good, and bad. (Location 667)
• When we are in contact with our feelings and needs, we humans no longer make good slaves and underlings. (Location 669)
• We need to clearly observe what we are seeing, hearing, or touching that is affecting our sense of well-being, without mixing in any evaluation. (Location 695)
• NVC is a process language that discourages static generalizations; instead, evaluations are to be based on observations specific to time and context. (Location 700)
• we create many problems for ourselves by using static language to express or capture a reality that is ever changing: (Location 701)
• When we combine observation with evaluation, people are apt to hear criticism. (Location 707)
• Expressing our vulnerability can help resolve conflicts. (Location 923)
• Distinguish feelings from thoughts. (Location 945)
• Distinguish between what we feel and what we think we are. (Location 948)
• Distinguish between what we feel and how we think others react or behave toward us. (Location 960)
• What others do may be the stimulus of our feelings, but not the cause. (Location 1167)
• Four options for receiving negative messages: 1. blame ourselves. (Location 1173)
• 2. blame others. (Location 1178)
• 3. sense our own feelings and needs. (Location 1182)
• 4. sense others’ feelings and needs. (Location 1186)
• Connect your feeling with your need: “I feel … because I need …” (Location 1210)
• The basic mechanism of motivating by guilt is to attribute the responsibility for one’s own feelings to others. (Location 1215)
• Distinguish between giving from the heart and being motivated by guilt. (Location 1221)
• Judgments of others are alienated expressions of our own unmet needs. (Location 1226)
• When we express our needs indirectly through the use of evaluations, interpretations, and images, others are likely to hear criticism. (Location 1227)
• If we wish for a compassionate response from others, it is self-defeating to express our needs by interpreting or diagnosing their behavior. (Location 1229)
• If we express our needs, we have a better chance of getting them met. (Location 1232)
• First stage: Emotional slavery. We see ourselves responsible for others’ feelings. (Location 1310)
• Second stage: The obnoxious stage. We feel angry; we no longer want to be responsible for others’ feelings. (Location 1326)
• Third stage: Emotional liberation. We take responsibility for our intentions and actions. (Location 1351)
• most of us experience three stages: (1) “emotional slavery”—believing ourselves responsible for the feelings of others, (2) “the obnoxious stage”—in which we refuse to admit to caring what anyone else feels or needs, and (3) “emotional liberation”—in which we accept full responsibility for our own feelings but not the feelings of others, while being aware that we can never meet our own needs at the expense of others. (Location 1360)
• negative requests are likely to provoke resistance. (Location 1448)
• Use positive language when making requests. (Location 1450)
• Making requests in clear, positive, concrete action language reveals what we really want. (Location 1491)
• Vague language contributes to internal confusion. (Location 1503)
• Very often, my clients were able to see how the lack of awareness of what they wanted from others had contributed significantly to their frustrations and [[depression]]. (Location 1525)
• While it may be obvious to her that she is asking him to go back to the store, the husband may think that her words were uttered solely to make him feel guilty. (Location 1531)
• When we simply express our feelings, it may not be clear to the listener what we want them to do. (Location 1533)
• Requests may sound like demands when unaccompanied by the speaker’s feelings and needs. (Location 1551)
• “Why don’t you go and get a haircut?” can easily be heard by youngsters as a demand or an attack unless parents remember to first reveal their own feelings and needs: (Location 1555)
• My belief is that, whenever we say something to another person, we are requesting something in return. (Location 1559)
• The clearer we are about what we want, the more likely it is that we’ll get it. (Location 1563)
• To make sure the message we sent is the message that’s received, ask the listener to reflect it back. (Location 1571)
• heard. I can see that I didn’t make myself as clear as I’d have liked, so let me try again.” (Location 1581)
• In a group, much time is wasted when speakers aren’t certain what response they’re wanting. (Location 1635)
• Is that a request or a demand? The answer is that we don’t know until we observe how Jack treats Jane if she doesn’t comply. (Location 1652)
• Choosing to request rather than demand does not mean we give up when someone says no to our request. It does mean that we don’t engage in persuasion until we have empathized with what’s preventing the other person from saying yes. (Location 1676)
• When making a request, it is also helpful to scan our minds for the sort of thoughts that automatically transform requests into demands: He should be cleaning up after himself. She’s supposed to do what I ask. I deserve to get a raise. I’m justified in having them stay later. I have a right to more time off. (Location 1721)
• The two parts of NVC: 1. expressing honestly 2. receiving empathically (Location 1823)
• Listen to what people are needing rather than what they are thinking. (Location 1897)