📕 subnode [[@forshaper/2022 03 27]] in 📚 node [[2022-03-27]]
📓 garden/forshaper/notes/journals/2022_03_27.md by @forshaper
  • [[Never Split the Difference]]: "[[No]]" is more useful when we're trying to [[track]] the ways we will split our [[walk]] through [[talk]] than "[[Yes]]", because it shows more of what we want. Often, we cover what we want with "Yes". We like to say things to make it easy for us to move the way we are moving, not really to show where we are. So we say "Yes" to get people to leave us when they may be bothering us and we say "yes" when we simply [[agree]] with some way the world is. A "Yes" we use to agree to move in some one way does not happen as much, but this is the best "Yes" to get to if you are trying to get shit done. Fearing [[death]] and [[change]], we like to hide those things by thinking we have [[control]]. Using the word "No" often gives us a sense of control. So, when you are talking to someone to win with them, it is good to give them something to say "No" to, so they feel some control. Usually people are too scared to be moved by [[logic]], [[argument]], or other analytical methods of [[persuasion]]. Feeling control, they feel safe enough to look at what they may be missing, and safe enough to show you a little bit more of what they [[want]].
    • Instead of asking "when's a good time to talk" consider "is now a bad time to talk". Since everyone in our [[society]] coordinates on "No", it is faster and smoother to continue coordinating in terms of finding the "No".
      • instead of "do you want to [[win]]" consider "do you want to [[lose]]" followed by asking your interlocutor for a way forward. This gives them a feeling of safety, first through control, then by the proof of control- by you asking them what path to take. This is pretty similar to using a fast direct attack ("do you want to lose") followed playing bottom in [[BJJ]] ("how should I win").
      • A "[[no]]" gives someone a moment to stop and think, much like [[defensive]] [[BJJ]] gives someone a moment to stop and find a [[direction]].
      • "No" gives people a way out of where they are [[trap]]ped, to show us more of their [[wants]]. "[[No]]" lets people find ways that actually help them [[move]], instead of being stuck.
        • You may have to [[hunt]] for [[No]], by [[wake]] hunting through making an openly false claim that they would say "no" to.
        • If someone is not saying "[[No]]", it's a mark of someone too confused to make any decision about which way they want to go, or someone so deeply [[entrenched]] that it may take too long to draw their [[want]]s out.
    • [[Hunting]] for "[[yes]]" makes people [[defensive]], because they can sense they are being hunted.
  • [[Honest signals]] that you have been where someone else has been generally makes them more [[open]] to you.
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