• Friday, 08/04/23 ** 14:12 ** 22:14 Figma plugin idea - 'randomize' until you hit a 'stop' button that freezes a particular shape with certain stats. Can randomize per stat. Helps inspire or nail precise numbers when you're not sure how big things should be, how the corners should look, etc. ** 22:46 It feels as if my digital and physical worlds are both fragmenting a bit. A strong community I'd cultivated for myself - and helped cultivate with others - on Twitter, on Instagram, on Mastodon, other socials, etc; lots of friends graduated from college and those who haven't have moved internet communities into the real world. In the real world, I've traded a rich social environment in Boston for Stockholm - where nobody will make eye contract with me in public without looking away and appearing visually ashamed or embaarrased. (My English here is getting worse because i never speak or read, in English or otherwise).

I don't know how to meet people here or how anyone else meets people. I don't think many do. Rates of living alone and depression are both so high despite the fact that the ammenities provided here, public and private, are so much better than those at the US in so many ways. I've learned from so many people in my life that the right way to prevent conflicts and enrich relationships is to face interpersonal conflict immediately and head-on, accepting some short-term pain and growing stronger together. The muscle has to tear to grow; that's how the human body works. Here I experience no conflict, no tension, no positive interactions in my free time - just nothing. Life's empty. Starting a conversation already feels like a losing battle - every stranger I run into avoids eye contact aggressively, no matter how pleasant looking and happy and outgoing and relaxed I am projecting, skills I've worked on when meeting strangers in so many other places I've been. I get the occasional glance from people 'checking me out' or looking at my outfit, no different from any other country, especially when I put effort into my appearance that day - but as soon as I return their glance, the other participant looks away as if they're ashamed to have somehow disrupted my space.

If I want to be seen and approached and talked to, I go outside. If I want time and space to myself, I stay home. Every apartment I've seen in this city is a great, clean, healthy space; a space I'd be happy to spend time in. Why would I leave my apartment if I couldn't experience the world to the fullest? I don't understand that about the culture here.

This cultural standard of non-confrontation might contribute to issues with cultural cohesion that Sweden faces today, especially with respect to the Muslim population of the country. If your neighbors and the people you meet do not welcome you outside of whatever legal obligations they have, you never get to know them, so you only spend time with the people who share your cultural values and community. You stay insular.

I try to keep an open mind: to constantly smile and relax in public, to spend time in social spaces, to look for social cues like eye contact from others, to broadcast myself as open and welcoming however I can - but nothing sticks. Nothing works. Nothing has changed since April. What's going wrong? What am I doing wrong? How can I have a great discussion with an incredible person one day but then have them ignore me over text?

I think this is why I've trended towards work over anything else - the work speaks for itself. It's objective. Work is something I can do and quantify and understand the results of. Evaluating my own performance in social spaces, by comparison, is impossible.

I am very thankful for the company that I do have - primarily my workplace - and will keep trying. I'm so, so grateful for all of the people who have or plan to visit me in Stockolm in the future, and for all of the people I've been able to keep in touch with over the summer. I'm learning more and more about myself in a 'resting state' - without tons of external contact - and will continue to improve my discipline on my own. I hope that the future here socially will be a bit brighter.

What about bars though? I'm forcing this segway but wanted the segment down here.

Alcohol makes me feel disgusting for two days afterwards - I tried a single glass with Olivia last weekend and felt physically terrible for the rest of her time here, making the experience worse for both of us.

That's all.